Tuesday, 9. September 2008
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse fall’s into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.
The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. So he drives the farmer’s BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.
He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse said, “I think I can stand over the hole!” So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, “Grab for my ‘thingy’ and pull yourself up.” And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.
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Tuesday, 9. September 2008
The Pope, Billy Graham and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the Pearly Gates together.
“Oh, this is terrible,” exclaimed St. Peter, “I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. We were going to help all of you land once you got to where you were going.” St. Peter was fretting, “Your quarters just aren’t ready. We can’t take you in just yet and we can’t send you back.”
Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, “Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I’ve got these three guys up here. They’re ours, but we weren’t expecting them. We gotta fix the place up for ‘em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It’ll only be for a couple of days. I’ll owe you one.”
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.
Two days later, Lucifer called St. Pete. “Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns.” “What’s wrong?” Asked St. Peter. “Well, this Pope guy is forgiving everybody. The Graham fellow is saving everybody. And Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning.”
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Tuesday, 9. September 2008
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.
“I’m an attorney,” the wincing man said, “and this is going to cost you $5000.”
“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry,” the concerned golfer replied. “But I did yell ‘fore’.”
“I’ll take it,” the attorney said.
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Tuesday, 9. September 2008
A Priest and a Rabbi were riding in a plane. After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”
The Rabbi responded, “yes, that is still one of our beliefs.”
The Priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
To which the Rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork.”
The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain chaste?”
The Priest replied “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
The Rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
The Priest replied, “Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.”
The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, “a lot better than pork isn’t it?”
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Tuesday, 9. September 2008
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car.
His father took him into his study and said, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we’ll talk about it.”
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father’s study where the father said, “Son, I’ve been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut.”
The young man waited a moment and then replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”
The rabbi said, “Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked.”
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Tuesday, 9. September 2008
Why don’t men get hemorrhoids?
Because they are all perfect assholes.
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Tuesday, 9. September 2008
Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood (one of whom was from Texas) were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The first woman, who was not from Texas, said, “When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me.”
The Texas lady commented, “Well, isn’t that nice??”
The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive.”
Again, the Texas lady commented, “Well, isn’t that nice??”
The first woman boasted “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”
Yet again, the Texas lady commented, “Well, isn’t that nice??”
The first woman then asked her companion, “What did you husband buy for you when you had your first child?”
The Texas lady replied “My husband sent me to charm school.”
“Charm school!”, the first woman cried, “Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?”
The Texas lady responded, “So that instead of saying who gives a crap’ I learned to say, ‘Well, isn’t that nice?’”
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Tuesday, 9. September 2008
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
! “Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.”
The man said, “Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.” When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”
The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord.”
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last! they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.”
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
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Tuesday, 9. September 2008
You can be sure someone is an idiot when he/she:
Spends twenty minutes looking at an orange juice box because it said concentrate.
Puts lipstick on their forhead because he wanted to makeup his mind.
Gets stabbed in a shoot-out.
Sends a fax with a stamp on it.
Was on the corner giving out potato chips yellin’ “Free Lays!”
Tries to drown a fish.
If you gave them a penny for their intelligence, you’d get change.
Thinks socialism means partying.
Trips over a cordless phone.
Takes a ruler to bed to see how long they slept.
At the bottom of the application where it says “Sign Here” he put Sagittarius.”
Takes 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
Studies for a blood test and fails.
Invents a solar powered flashlight.
Sells the car for gas money.
Heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, he moves.
Misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 bus twice instead.
Takes you to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport left”, he turned around and went home.
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Tuesday, 9. September 2008
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.”
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?”
And the man replied, “I don’t know, my wife told me to stand here.”
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