Funny Pictures & Funny Videos

A blonde was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car’s tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, “What are you doing?”

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, …

“HELLLLO” “You need to roll up the windows”

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car.

“They’ve stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator,” he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line. “Never mind,” said the drunk with a hiccup, “I got in the backseat by mistake.”

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor won’t be strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a Superman cape.

It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20-foot room.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh,” it’s already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak–it explodes.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.

Super glue is forever.

McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know.

No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jello.

VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5-minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

It will, however, make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying Little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, “That’s it! No honey for you for one month!”

Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, “No butter for you for one month!”

Early that evening, Johnny’s mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny’s mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her, to which Johnny said, “Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?”

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes,” the wife answers, “why do you ask?”

Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!”

INTERNATIONAL THINKING AT ITS BEST!

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana’s death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess

with an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French tunnel,

driving a German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian who was drunk

on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor,

using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an American,

using Bill Gates’s technology,

and you’re probably reading this on your computer,

that use Taiwanese chips,

and a Korean monitor,

assembled by Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexicans.

That, my friends, is Globalization

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, “Are you a real cowboy?”

“Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences… I guess I am,” replied the cowboy.

After a short while he asked her what she was. “I’ve never been on a ranch so I’m not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women,” said the young woman.

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”

“I always thought I was, but I just found out that I’m a lesbian.”

WOMEN WITH BIG BREASTS: can get a taxi on the worst days

have a neat place to carry spare change

have always been the center of the arts

make jogging a spectator sport

can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub

have more negotiating power

usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie

can always carry a little extra

always float better

know where to look first for lost earrings

rarely lack for a slow dance partner

have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner

WOMEN WITH LITTLE BREASTS: don’t cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public

always look younger

find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap

can always see their toes and shoes

can sleep on their stomachs

have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars

know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts

know that everything more than a handful is wasted

can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle

can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out.

There was this lucky farmer married to a beautiful woman. And they had kids, a farm, and lots of cows. After some years the number of cows became so big that they couldn’t milk them by hand so they bought an electrical milking machine that fills a bucket with milk in five minutes…

Sometime later his wife takes the kids and goes to visit her parents. The poor man is so horney he can’t wait for his wife so he starts jerking off every night. One night he thinks to use the milking machine instead of his hand. So without thinking anymore he puts his dick inside the machine and turns it on. Oh god… what a machine. When he is done, all happy, he tries to take his dick out but it was stuck inside the machine. He tries and tries but can’t take it out. Suddenly he gets an idea; why not call the vendor of the machine. So he carries the machine on his back and goes to the phone….

Farmer: Excuse me sir for calling you up at this late time but I have a big problem. I’m so ashamed of myself but I did it.

Vendor: Did what?!

Farmer: Since my wife has been to her parents for more than a week I, I put my dick in the milking machine, but now I can’t take my dick out. Its stuck.

Vendor: Oh, boy. I’m sorry but you can’t get it out unless the bucket is full.

Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?

Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.